I was sentenced to death!

I was sentenced to death!

I was sentenced to death!

The most vulnerable talk I had with my mother.

Was the day I told her I was filling my divorce..

She pretended she didn’t hear me..

Over the phone..

My parents live in Taiwan.

I am not sure why I thought I needed to inform my parents..

Of my wish to divorce..

At the time..

Or simply because..

I was the first to divorce among my female friends.

I was the first to divorce among my siblings..

I was the first to divorce among my cousins..

I was the first to divorce among the parents in my children’s schools..

And they were the first children to go through divorce..

In this conservative community..

I was “the” mother who put my children through divorce.

Among their friends..

It seemed like everyone had a happy family except for me…

Or for my children.

I thought I must have been a horrible person..

I thought I was the only one who’s brutally honest..

And willing to admit..

That..

My marriage didn’t work for me.

The truth was..

Where I was raised, divorce was not an option..

Did we not vow for “till death do us apart?”

My mom was raised conservatively..

Of course..

She tried her best to pretend ..

Or to avoid the inevitable..

Sad truth that..

I “failed” in my marriage.

I must have not done my “wifely” duties right!

I must have not “served” my narcissistic ex husband right.

The day I found out he cheated was the day I was blindly blamed for..

That..

I must have not “satisfied” his needs in the bedroom.

Lol. ‍♀️

That’s the culture I was raised in…

By ALL means, I must ensure my husband was happy.

I, Kolline..

No longer existed..

Based on my culture’s definition..

The second..

I vowed till death do us apart!

Or

“I” must have failed…

As a woman..

As a mother..

As a daughter..

As a cousin..

As a friend..

As a parent..

Divorce was the ultimate death sentence!

My mom at the time..

Still tried to avoid the inevitable divorce..

Of mine..

She pleaded..

And said to me lastly..

“Think for your daughters!”

She said it calmly..

She said it firmly..

As if..

I forgot about my daughters’ well-being.

“I’ve thought for my daughters!”

I answered..

At that moment..

I wasn’t upset.

Because she simply did all the “right” things based on her “cultural” conditionings..

At that moment..

I let go of all the gender, cultural and societal conditionings..

I simply needed my children to live in a healthy environment..

Where no verbal abuse occurred..

Where no fighting in the middle of the night heard..

Where no police was called..

Where no disruptive behaviors existed..

Where no silent treatment was experienced..

Where no random lies, cheating or abandonment exhibited..

That’s all..

At least, that’s how I define the “standards” of living..

Thus..

My last words to my mom about my divorce were…

“I am your daughter too!”

Agree?

～ Love you more ❤️

Kolline