‘Should I have sex on the first date?’ is a question thrown at me on a daily basis, from men of all ages. Unfortunately, there’s not a single one-size-fits-all answer for this head scratcher. Even though I’m a dating coach and expert at sex, it’s a bit like a stranger asking me ‘Is it a good idea for me to have this after-dinner dessert?’. It would be difficult for me to comment on such a question. Unless of course, I had all the facts.
If you’re looking for love – then safe, consensual, monogamous sex is a bit like an after-dinner dessert, enjoyed with a coffee. It’s one of the final few courses, in a much bigger, gourmet meal. A meal you’ll savour, look fondly back on, and remember for years to come. Good sex, like a good meal, should leave you satisfied but always wanting more.
It should be something you build up to. Despite temptation, dessert should be savoured, not rushed. Because take it from me, sex is so much more than the final act.
So learn to enjoy each course from the tasting menu, no matter how long it may take you to work through it. Take the pressure off yourself to perform, by enjoying every precursory bite.
Mental foreplay is the Cocktail Hour of sex. Women especially need time to warm up to the idea of sex. This time is to loosen up and start to experiment with the idea of a sexual relationship. Based on your existing relationship, it can be overt or subtle. You can use suggestive language or deliberate light touching in passing. The idea of sex and exploring unchartered territory should be exciting – so build up an appetite for one another.
You’ve wet your appetite with a cocktail, now it’s time for an Appetizer. Remember that the smallest of physical touches can be stimulating. Less is definitely more for this course – so try to resist going further than kissing. And thanks to technology, we can also enjoy our Appetizer remotely. Experiment with sexting, picture messaging, and even erotic phone calls. Be creative but confident.
Like any decent gourmet meal, the Main Course is the most memorable. But perhaps surprisingly, intercourse is not listed on the menu. For your Main, I encourage an activity that maximizes opportunities for intimacy. A romantic bath or a candle lit massage are the perfect examples of safe and arousing fun. This is where trust is built and true intimacy is felt.
Now that you’re tuned in and more familiar with each other’s bodies, it’s time for Dessert. This may follow right after your Main Course, or could be enjoyed after a pause. Skipping Dessert is one of the biggest mistakes men make. Foreplay is vital if you want a woman to feel turned on and stimulated for intercourse. It will also help reassure her of your feelings. Oral sex, for both of you, is a great way to build arousal and get to know each other’s bodies more. Communicate and experiment during oral sex and it can be as pleasurable as intercourse itself.
Intercourse, when it’s part of a full sexual experience, should feel like the natural next step to being physical. Like a round of Coffees in a gourmet meal, sexual intercourse should never be the sole reason you showed up. Don’t rush to get there, and check in on your surroundings prior to penetration. If the setting isn’t right, change it up. And since you’ve gone this far – don’t rush to finish either. Men are naturally more orgasm focused but in doing so, you’re neglecting the needs of a woman during intercourse. Switching up positions, experimenting with sex toys or bondage are all great ways to slow down ejaculation.
Cuddling and conversation are the perfect Digestif to your gourmet sexual experience. So sip on some Brandy or Cognac, and remember to continue to build closeness after intercourse. Compliment each other’s bodies and share what turned you on most about your partner. Conversation can help build security, which will ensure your next sexual experience is even spicier.
If you think you can benefit from some coaching and support in dating and relationships, please book a call with me, I would love to hear from you.
~ Love you more ❤️